Midnight Buffet

         As Halloween draws near, I find myself with monsters on my mind.  Inevitably this leads to me to wondering what I would do if said monsters became real and started making trouble in my neighborhood.  For the most part, I think I could handle myself pretty well…with one exception.  

The Blob first appeared in the 1958 movie “The Blob.”  A notable film for several reasons:  it started Steve McQueen’s rise to stardom and it was one of the first films to portray the town’s teens as the heroes and the adults as clueless jerks.  The Blob is never really explained; it just crashes to earth in a meteorite.  As it devours people it grows and grows, finally covering an entire diner in the movie’s climax.

A sequel came out in 1972 called “Son of Blob” or “Beware! The Blob” but it was so terrible we’re not going to waste any more digital ink on it.

Finally, the Blob was given a remake in 1988.  Obviously, the effects were a lot better 30 years later and the movie itself is pretty solid.  Although this time it’s revealed that the Blob is part of a government experiment and I prefer having no explanation.   There’s talk of yet another remake happening, but it would undoubtedly be all lame CGI effects so whatever.

<---  The "Now" in that tag line always bugged me.  Terror Has No Shape is just fine.  Also, what was terror's shape before?

This has made me start wishing I could get a Blob action figure.  But I may as well just pick up some Jell-o.

UPDATE:  I have a new goal in life.

I'm really getting anal now but check out the DVD disc for the 1988 version of the Blob.  Could it be more boring??

They couldn't have at least made it red or something?  Look at all that blank space!  I'm seriously just going to draw something on there one day. 

Many films have since played tribute to the Blob including Killer Klowns from Outer Space and Ghostbusters II with their river of slime, even using the same effects.

So, that’s a little history for you.  Also, this is what happens when you type ‘the blob’ into IMDb.  What the hell?

The Blob actually has quite the following.  In Phoenixville, Pennsylvania there is an annual celebration called "Blobfest" that's held at the actual Colonial Theatre from the original movie.

I'm proud to say that we've tried to educate our children on the real threat that blobs present, though not always so successfully...

Now, on to five simple reasons why the Blob is the scariest monster of all time!  And don’t forget to take a drink every time I say “It’s A Blob!”

It never rests nor does it sleep.  It doesn’t get thirsty or hungry.  It’s always coming and slows down only to devour someone.  It doesn’t even need to consume people.  It could be perfectly content creeping around in its original mini-size.  Perhaps then man and Blob could co-exist.  But that will never happen.

Think about it.  It’s a Blob. (Drink!)  Can you sneak up behind it?  No!  There is no behind it!  There is only front!  It can look/stretch out in every direction at once.  I use the word “look” loosely, as obviously the Blob has no eyes.  I'm not even sure how it's vision works...maybe it has no vision.  Maybe it's attracted to movement.  Or body heat.  Point is, it never has to turn around, it just starts moving in whatever direction it wants to go.  It’s a Blob!

Boarding up those doors and windows may keep zombies out but the Blob can make itself as thin as possible to slide into any tiny crack it can find.  It can also gain access to most places via pipes and plumbing devices.  

This isn’t some humanoid monster with feelings and emotions you can play off of.  None of your Bugs Bunny shenanigans will trick it into thinking it’s just walked on to a movie set and it needs to get into wardrobe.  It’s also important to remember it’s nothing personal.  It has nothing to do with you.  The Blob eats people, apparently without limit.  That’s what it does.  It’s a Blob. 
   

Throw out your stakes and silver bullets.  The Blob is indestructible.  Shooting it does nothing!  It’s a Blob.  If you’re close enough to hit it with an ax that would be the last stupid thing you ever do.  It has only one weakness: the cold.  Yes, the Blob can be frozen, probably why it was in hibernation while floating through space, but how long do you think you can hide in that freezer?  In both movies, all they can do is freeze the Blob and drop it off in Antarctica.  Which leads me to my final point…

If they ever do make another Blob movie, I would love to see it done on an grander scale in one of two ways:

Global warming has caused some ice caps to break up and start drifting.  Guess what’s coming?  The Blob!  Back for revenge!  (Just kidding…the Blob has no concept of vengeance or any feeling really)  Or…

Let’s get several blobs landing all around the earth and see how each country deals with it.  Seeing the Blob spread out across the Eiffel Tower, the pyramids, etc... would be amazing!  Tanks and soldiers fighting a losing battle with the giant all-consuming bright red Blob would be visually astounding.  Imagine how much better Cloverfield would have been if it was the Blob!

So far the movies follow a basic formula:  Blob crashes to earth, stealthily eats some people until it’s too big to hide, then the town flips out before uniting to freeze it.  So far they always take place in a small town and in a single night.  I can see why…after one night of mayhem, the Blob is already as large as a house.  It would be near impossible to fight once it’s the size of an entire city.  Still, I’d like to see an ongoing battle that lasts longer than one day.  Hell, we could even have the Blob win.  The last shot of the film could be the entire earth covered in the Blob.  Except the poles.  Eerie.

It’s a Blob!