Review of GREEN LANTERN
by Kyle McCoy
This is by far the worst movie I’ve seen of recent memory. I am astounded and baffled this was an actual film that was released in theatres. Do you remember that long lost Fantastic Four movie by Roger Corman? That was made in a rush without the intention of releasing it just so the studio could keep the rights to the characters. Well, it’s head and shoulders above Green Lantern. At least it has, you know, a story arc. And characters that, get this…do things!
I’m so sincerely confused how Green Lantern could have been heartlessly inflicted on the public that I have neither the patience nor motivation to even write a real review. Let’s just hit some bullet-points.
Okay, Kyle, which Green Lantern is this movie about?
Ryan Reynolds. If someone said this was about Hal Jordan, they lied to you. Hal Jordan is nowhere in this movie.
Plot and Characters?
This movie starts with a voice-over explaining about the alien worlds and the history of the Green Lanterns, fighting the evil forces in the universe. As it does this, we’re just flying through space. Hey, why not SHOW us all this stuff you’re talking about? Oh, that would be too interesting. This sets the tone of the movie. You’re always waiting for the cool stuff to start happening. Spoiler Alert: It never does.
The movie begins on the ‘magnificent alien worlds’ so we actually see everything way before Ryan Reynolds does. Halfway through, when he’s finally introduced to everything, it’s old news for us. Why did they feel the need to explain it to us (the audience) and then later to Ryan Reynolds (and us the audience, again)? Why can’t we experience the journey through the eyes of our hero? You know, the guy we’re supposed to be connecting with!
Characters do nothing then disappear. We’re introduced to Ryan Reynolds’ family for one scene and they are never heard of again. The same thing happens with his best friend, a girl he picks up, his boss, his boss’s rival, some scientists…etc. Again, I’ve never seen a movie introduce so many characters and relationships that go absolutely nowhere past the first half hour. Incredible.
Wait, Kyle. What about all those other Green Lanterns I see on the poster?
They exist solely to provide even more countless minutes of exposition. At no point do they engage in a battle, fight the enemy, or help Ryan Reynolds save the day. He meets them, then they’re gone. Honestly, the whole campaign of this movie is pretty blatant false-advertising.
What about the effects?
The effects are on the same scale as Phantom Menace. Also, Ryan’s Green Lantern suit has little green lightning bolts that constantly pulse, even on his CGI-mask. It’s the most distracting thing they could have done short of just having it strobe the entire time.
Geez, anything else you want to complain about?
Sure!
1. It’s casually revealed halfway through the movie that the antagonists and protagonists are childhood friends. This should have been established much earlier to create some (desperately needed) tension.
2. The main villain is a cloud.
3. The emotional childhood flashback of Ryan Reynolds remembering his father’s death is the cheesiest, most ill-conceived flashback sequence I’ve ever seen. It’s in black and white (of course) complete with hazy edges. And every sound kind of echoes a bit. Do you remember that South Park episode where the shop teacher keeps remembering his lost love? “Push me higher, Richard!” It’s a lot like that. But not as funny.
4. There are no establishing shots from scene to scene. It’s jarring and never allows the audience to process what’s just happened (not that they would want to) or where we are now.
5. Ryan goes from being unable to figure out the ring’s powers to becoming “the greatest Green Lantern of them all” in about a day. Seriously, there’s no montage or anything. It takes him a solid afternoon to master the greatest weapon in the universe. Oh and all the aliens use phrases like “days” and “weeks”…um, is time measured the same way on every known planet??
6. Also…there’s freaking ALIENS! ALIENS EXIST and have an INTERGALACTIC ARMY! And nobody seems the least bit shaken up or surprised by this??
7. The love story is forced and entirely unearned. Notice I haven’t even mentioned Blake Lively. I honestly feel like she was barely in the movie. No complaints there, though. Bam!
8. Finally, Ryan Reynolds beats the villain by punching it into the sun. Yes, you read correctly.
Ugh. There’s like a million other terrible things too but I’m done. Let’s wrap this up.
Final Rating: The Absolute Worst. There’s no doubt that this “film” will sweep the Razzies. I only fear that this inspires others to check it out just to see how bad it is. I warn you…this has zero entertainment value. Not even a so-bad-it’s-good aesthetic. There is absolutely nothing salvageable about this movie to make me recommend it to anyone, including but not limited to: people on an airplane, people I hate, people in HELL. Yes, if you played this movie in Hell it would make Hell even worse.
I’m so sincerely confused how Green Lantern could have been heartlessly inflicted on the public that I have neither the patience nor motivation to even write a real review. Let’s just hit some bullet-points.
Okay, Kyle, which Green Lantern is this movie about?
Ryan Reynolds. If someone said this was about Hal Jordan, they lied to you. Hal Jordan is nowhere in this movie.
Plot and Characters?
This movie starts with a voice-over explaining about the alien worlds and the history of the Green Lanterns, fighting the evil forces in the universe. As it does this, we’re just flying through space. Hey, why not SHOW us all this stuff you’re talking about? Oh, that would be too interesting. This sets the tone of the movie. You’re always waiting for the cool stuff to start happening. Spoiler Alert: It never does.
The movie begins on the ‘magnificent alien worlds’ so we actually see everything way before Ryan Reynolds does. Halfway through, when he’s finally introduced to everything, it’s old news for us. Why did they feel the need to explain it to us (the audience) and then later to Ryan Reynolds (and us the audience, again)? Why can’t we experience the journey through the eyes of our hero? You know, the guy we’re supposed to be connecting with!
Characters do nothing then disappear. We’re introduced to Ryan Reynolds’ family for one scene and they are never heard of again. The same thing happens with his best friend, a girl he picks up, his boss, his boss’s rival, some scientists…etc. Again, I’ve never seen a movie introduce so many characters and relationships that go absolutely nowhere past the first half hour. Incredible.
Wait, Kyle. What about all those other Green Lanterns I see on the poster?
They exist solely to provide even more countless minutes of exposition. At no point do they engage in a battle, fight the enemy, or help Ryan Reynolds save the day. He meets them, then they’re gone. Honestly, the whole campaign of this movie is pretty blatant false-advertising.
What about the effects?
The effects are on the same scale as Phantom Menace. Also, Ryan’s Green Lantern suit has little green lightning bolts that constantly pulse, even on his CGI-mask. It’s the most distracting thing they could have done short of just having it strobe the entire time.
Geez, anything else you want to complain about?
Sure!
1. It’s casually revealed halfway through the movie that the antagonists and protagonists are childhood friends. This should have been established much earlier to create some (desperately needed) tension.
2. The main villain is a cloud.
3. The emotional childhood flashback of Ryan Reynolds remembering his father’s death is the cheesiest, most ill-conceived flashback sequence I’ve ever seen. It’s in black and white (of course) complete with hazy edges. And every sound kind of echoes a bit. Do you remember that South Park episode where the shop teacher keeps remembering his lost love? “Push me higher, Richard!” It’s a lot like that. But not as funny.
4. There are no establishing shots from scene to scene. It’s jarring and never allows the audience to process what’s just happened (not that they would want to) or where we are now.
5. Ryan goes from being unable to figure out the ring’s powers to becoming “the greatest Green Lantern of them all” in about a day. Seriously, there’s no montage or anything. It takes him a solid afternoon to master the greatest weapon in the universe. Oh and all the aliens use phrases like “days” and “weeks”…um, is time measured the same way on every known planet??
6. Also…there’s freaking ALIENS! ALIENS EXIST and have an INTERGALACTIC ARMY! And nobody seems the least bit shaken up or surprised by this??
7. The love story is forced and entirely unearned. Notice I haven’t even mentioned Blake Lively. I honestly feel like she was barely in the movie. No complaints there, though. Bam!
8. Finally, Ryan Reynolds beats the villain by punching it into the sun. Yes, you read correctly.
Ugh. There’s like a million other terrible things too but I’m done. Let’s wrap this up.
Final Rating: The Absolute Worst. There’s no doubt that this “film” will sweep the Razzies. I only fear that this inspires others to check it out just to see how bad it is. I warn you…this has zero entertainment value. Not even a so-bad-it’s-good aesthetic. There is absolutely nothing salvageable about this movie to make me recommend it to anyone, including but not limited to: people on an airplane, people I hate, people in HELL. Yes, if you played this movie in Hell it would make Hell even worse.
